When My Optimism Failed Me
I am the uber optimist. “It will work out.” “This is just temporary.” “I can figure it out.” Those words had gotten me thru hard times in the past. But this last season knocked me to the floor. Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness bombarded me daily and I did not know how to handle them.
Really, it was most horrible for my daughter Mia. She was living with a migraine that for months would not go away- not while she slept, not when she woke up, not when she took endless medications and trips to the ER. But I was in my own hell because I was helpless as a mom to do anything to help her. I would stay up through the night, going over what new thing we needed to “try” the next day, racking my brain to figure out what was causing the migraine and being mad at myself that I must be missing something.
Every morning we would try a new med, a new holistic treatment or way to start the morning. Nothing was working. I would take her to the ER. No change. We met with new doctors. Tried all sorts of medications. The migraine stayed. After the first month I had hit a wall of hopelessness. And I don’t do hopelessness. We optimists usually find the “roses” even in a bad season of life.
All I could do was sit with her, hold her head in my lap and tell her that we would somehow find a solution. And I felt like a failure as a mom. I also began to feel abandoned by God-who we really really need in this moment.
“Where are you God? I don’t see You anywhere in all this.” “Frankly this seems cruel that you are not here to help.” Those phrases were on repeat in my mind last fall. It was a horrible time.
And then one day something happened. I shifted my prayers. It went from “please take this away from Mia” to “please just comfort her today; “please, give her strength to get thru the day” “please, help her in her weakness” “help me to see You in this season; I know you don’t leave us, but I can’t find You in all this.”
With that prayer shift came a perspective shift. For the first time I remembered that God was there, He had not abandoned Mia. It was just that in this season, He was the Comforter. He was the Strength for the day when we did not have anything left. While I wanted Him to be the Healer, the Rescuer, the Vindicator during this terrible time, we were to experience His other characteristics that He promises to be for us.
When I allowed my heart and mind to see He was there in the middle of this mess-in a way different from what I wanted or expected- I found comfort. I suddenly saw that:
- He was there as Mia’s strength as she made it from day to day for months. Honestly, I had a migraine for an evening and felt crippled. She had one for 3 months! “Ok, God I see You are here.”
- He was there when the idea came that maybe I should see a counselor to help me in my grief. It helped tremendously. “Thank you God for that push.”
- He was there in a song playing on the radio that had me crying my eyes out and became my anthem for this terrible season. (CeCe Winan’s “Believe for It”- link below) “I feel You God.”
- He was there in the group of friends that came into my life a few years back. He knew I would need to lean on them in this time. “God, You knew what I needed even before this terrible time.”
- He was there as doors to new doctors opened because of the urgency of Mia’s situation. “Thanks God for making a way in the wilderness.”
- He was there, helping her to sleep thru most nights even with the pain. “God, You are her Comforter.”
- He was there as Jaime and I drew closer together, not further apart, under the strain of our own feelings of helplessness and confusion. “God, You were the Peace we needed.”
- He was there in the recesses of my mind that told me “this too shall pass,” “it won’t be like this forever”. I know it was His quiet, still voice that pushed me through the days. “God, thank You for Your encouraging words.”
Now I see why He is called the “God of all comfort” (2 Corinthians 1:3). Last fall, He showed up to our home to just be our kind friend, to provide wisdom, to give us the strength for just one more day and to comfort us in our grief and pain. I learned that He is no less God in the bad times.
We have recently moved out of that season and into a more hopeful, happy season. My optimistic self is rebounding! A hospital stay and eight rounds of very strong IV medications and Mia’s migraine broke. But I won’t forget that I discovered a new side of God. I saw Him in a new way last fall.
My encouragement to you would be to do what I did- shift the prayers and let your perspective shift too. Ask Him to show you where He is. He’s there; He has not left. But you may, like me, need His help to open your eyes to who and where He is in this time. He is providing what you need for today. I just pray that you see it is enough. You are going to make it. You can when God is your Comforter, Strength and help in time of trouble.
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble.” Psalm 46:1
Broken But Brave 