I can see it in her eyes. She’s worried and I am double worried. Today makes 7 days straight with a migraine. It’s there during the night, when she wakes up and it gets more intense by the afternoon. The pain comes from the same place as last time and no medication- over the counter or prescribed – is working. Yesterday, she asked, “So is it back? I feel like it’s the same as last time, mom.” I don’t answer because I don’t want to believe that she may be facing another bad season of pain. This would be the 3rd round in less than a year that Mia faces prolonged unbreakable migraines. Last fall, the migraine lasted 3 months straight. Then in April, it was a month long migraine where she could not be in school, go outdoors or live her life without pain. The only solution each time has been hospitalizations to receive a 3 day strong pain medication by IV. So, of course I avoid the question, say a pleading pray for help and try to find the Motrin bottle to see if by chance it will work this time.
Last fall’s migraine season really robbed me of my optimism and hope. Some of you read about it in my last blog. That was a new experience for me- the uber optimist. Still, during that first season of Mia’s migraines, I began to relook and rebuild my tool box and dusting off some of the “tools” from the past. I am realizing that we may be in another bad season, so I go and pick up my “box”, open it and take out some much needed tools. Here’s what I am reaching for these days:
- A group chat. Most day my girlfriend chat is full of swapping kid stories, plans for the day and what to make for dinner. But there have been numerous days where my first text starts with, “Girls, I am having a rough day.” I don’t like to be that person who needs help or who needs to draw on others for strength. I much prefer to be the supporter. Still, I need encouragement for the day sometimes. And I need to let those close to me know it. So, I put myself out there. It started a few years back during Mia’s brain surgeries. I just made a separate chat, told them this where I would update and it was where I would be real with them. I did it because I knew without some friends who knew the real me- I would fall apart and not be able to be the strong mom Mia needed.
- A journal. Obviously, I like writing. Lol. But, to put my most raw emotions onto paper is not usually my thing. I tend to keep journaling to writing quotes, thoughts on a scripture or encouraging words. So this tool, I had to sharpen and refine during last fall. Journaling was suggested by my counselor (another excellent tool to have!) only this time she wanted me to write it all – grief, anger, sadness. So I tried it. It took some time to really write those feelings down because there were so many that they were jumbled up together. But I got the hang of it. And when April rolled around and I felt helpless as a mom again, there are pages in my journal heavy with my emotions. And once they were purged from my heart to my page…well, I just felt a release and had space in my mind and heart for creative ways to help Mia and keep our family life running.
- A gym. I have never loved to exercise. I am not a person to feel stress relief or a runner’s high from an hour of sweat. No thanks. Still, I first picked up this tool in 2010 when doctors said Mia was not expected to live and I need something other than my heart to hurt. That’s when I took up running; it was my personal space where I could mingle tears with sweat. Inwardly, I also knew I needed to be healthy for the rounds of sleepless nights, added stress on my body, hospital food and tension in my muscles. While I have wanted to throw this tool out many, many, many times…I somehow found a way to keep it in my tool chest. This year has been full of sleepless nights and I am really glad at least my body can sustain the strain.
So those are my favorite tools currently. The key is that in every season to either find new tools (like last year’s counselor!) or refine the ones I have used before. And everyone’s box looks different. It might be a favorite walking trail, a soul soothing podcast, a playlist of worship songs, a go-to person or a therapist.
Life is tough, full of good and bad seasons, and doing it without a growing toolbox can lesson the chances of making it out stronger, wiser and better. I don’t want that for me, Mia or my family.
So, with toolbox in hand, Mia and I head to Houston today to add a new doctor, a pain specialist, to her Texas Children’s team. My prayer is that we find something that stops the pain- but if not, one of her neurologists has already recommended another hospital stay. Whatever it may be…with toolbox in hand, this mom is as ready as I can be for what this season brings.
Thank you for the continued prayers for our brave Mia. She continues to amaze us with her strength in this bad seasons of her life.
Broken But Brave 