“Mom, are you sad you have a daughter like me?” I was busy counting her nightly pills so it took a moment for her words to sink in. But when I turned to look, I saw the tears ready to spill over in her eyes as she waited for my reply. I knew this moment would matter- what I said was going to matter. Her 14 year old heart lay open, bare and waiting to hear from me. I quickly said a prayer in my head, “Please God, how do I answer in a way that she will see herself the way I do?”
See, my daughter Mia has a lot going on. She has been sick for much of her life. Of course it’s not a daily thing now, but rarely does a week go by without a seizure, migraine or just feeling crummy from her anxiety and stress of getting through her day with only half the tools to do it. What started as a cancer diagnosis at age 4 has led to epilepsy, 4 brain surgeries and currently a sharp increase in the amount of weekly seizures. Then add the fact that she has pretty significant delays in school, cognitive disabilities in some areas, weekly therapies and you can see where her self esteem lies.
So when the question came, “Are you sad to have a daughter like me,” I knew she had become consumed with all the negatives she was facing. Her focus that day, that week, that season was on all that she couldn’t do, the things that scared her, the stress of not being able to control outcomes, the constant comparing herself to others and the feeling that she is lacking.
You know, it gets really really easy to focus on the repercussions and fallout of bad things that have happened to us. Suddenly we begin to believe it’s who we are innately- an illness that left us permanently scarred, an abandonment that broke your heart, a dream that came crashing down, an expectation that isn’t being met. There is nothing fair about cancer and there was nothing fair about what happened to you. But, it is not you. It can not define who you are on the inside- the person you were born to be. It may be a part of you….but it is not the whole of you.
Without doing too much of a deep dive into the psychology of self, just know that three things make up how we would answer the question, “Who am I?”. Your “self” is made up of your self-awareness, self-concept and self-esteem. Your self-esteem is like the evaluation of how you see yourself. So when that overall estimation of self is negative, you will feel worthless and have low self-esteem. (McCornack & Morrison, 2019)
Now when Mia, and maybe some of us, look over our life we see things like sickness, delays, not measuring up and we say “well, my estimation of myself is that I am not enough.”
But nothing could be farther from the truth. Yes, you have scars and broken pieces…but you are not those things. Still, as humans, we will usually focus on the negative waaaaay more than the positive. I’m sure I am not the only one who can hear 10 good things about myself and one negative and there I go…consumed with the one bad thing. Getting out of that rut is not easy!
Here’s what I did. I turned to Mia, wrapped her in my arms and said, “You are the best daughter I could ever have asked God for. You are adventurous, funny, kind to people, ready for any challenge, a travel-lover, my best partner in shopping, able to do very hard things, a survivor, brave and strong. That is who you are.”
I had to remind her to evaluate herself based on her strengths, not the negative things that have happened in her life.
And maybe you need that reminder too. While negative things may have left you bruised, they are not you. You are brave. You are strong. You have strength you never you knew you had until you had to use it. You are smart. Amidst terrible circumstances, you have survived! You are beautiful. You can do this!
Now shake off that negative mindset, reflect on at least one of your strengths these next 24 hours, get around someone who will remind you of your true self, write it down and post it so you can be reminded daily, ask God to show you your strengths. Do something to change the way you see yourself! Listen, you were not made to feel defeated and less than; you were made to defeat hard things.
Go wrangle that mind of yours and remember….you are great!
Source: Steven McCornack & Kelly Morrison, Reflect & Relate, 5th ed. (Bedford/St.Martins, 2019)
Broken But Brave 